May 13, 2020
TITLE
How We Heal When We’ve Been Blindsided
GUEST
Solo episode
EPISODE OVERVIEW
I gave feedback, and I was dropped from a group I had joined, and was told the group is not a good fit for me. I found out I was ejected from a colleague. There was no invitation to discuss fit, or the decision to drop me from the group. I talk about the feelings I’m having. I feel silenced, and it stinks! How do we honor our feelings, and create empowerment for ourselves? How do we assess if others have the capacity to work through conflict? How can we be present for ourselves and get the support we need.
HIGHLIGHTS
- What happens when we speak up and our message is not received
as we intended
- We don’t feel seen or heard
- Someone makes a decision on our behalf without our feedback
- How do we evaluate is this about me, or the other person, or a combination?
- How can I honor the feelings that are coming up?
- How do we work through this so we feel empowered
- It’s my intention to be neutral; however, I’m feeling angry; I’m feeling hurt and I’m feeling blindsided
- With COVID we’re under tremendous stress, and it may be impacting how we react
- How do we have compassion
- I have a right to have a voice
- I have a right to have my feelings
- There was no opportunity to work together around what I was feeling
- Is this about a limitation on the other person’s part
- I gave feedback about how I was experiencing the group
- I was told by the facilitator of the mastermind, I feel like no
matter what I do, it won’t satisfy you because this is about your
fear and your mindset
- I felt that my feelings weren’t being honored
- There is no room for discussion with this type of a statement
- I tend to be very mindful of the words I use when I’m giving
feedback to someone
- I’m wondering if…
- Is it possible that…
- I don’t like to tell others what I think is going on with them or what I think they should do
- This feels very dishonoring
- I felt disrespected, and if I responded, then I was that person
- It didn’t allow for a dialogue, or for me to have a voice in this situation
- With my clients and friends I often ask, “How did that land with you?”
- I want to invite dialogue when there are bumps
- When we’re talking about uncomfortable things, we need to have open communication
- I was ejected from the Mastermind and the closed fb group
- The facilitator of the mastermind told me he didn’t think I was a good fit for the group and dropped me without giving me a heads up or discussing it with me
- I was blindsided
- I didn’t have a chance to download files from the group since I thought I’d be in the group until the end of the year
- I would have wanted to be part of the decision or be part of the discussion
- It’s not uncommon for us to think about what we may have said or done to cause this to happen—it’s NOT about me
- How do I figure out how to process through this?
- Brene Brown’s podcast Unlocking Us—
- It’s very negating and it doesn’t give us a voice when someone oversteps and does not apologize
- I’m not sorry; I don’t regret what I shared
- I have a right to my opinion, to my feelings
- In order for us to continue to share vulnerability with others, they need to have the capacity to be present for us
- I need you to hear me; you need to get where I’m coming from.
- You don’t have to agree with me
- You need to be willing to look at what I’m saying
- If you can’t meet me where I’m at, then that doesn’t work for me
- In the past, I would have made this about me—I did something wrong. I didn’t. I’m really clear about that
- We can check—is the person hearing me, seeing me, and are they willing to work through bumps with us
- COVID-19 is testing all of us, and many of us are at our limit
- The themes I’m seeing this week include
- Loneliness
- Irritability
- Wanting things to go back to normal but there isn’t a new normal
- Feeling like we’ve had enough
- We want a sense of safety and comfort and unity
- Brene Brown’s podcast episode on overfunctioning and
underfunctiong
- Who can I trust
- Who’s in charge?
- I don’t like when decisions are made without me being involved
- I am a safe person and I create safety around me
- I choose who to be vulnerable with and who I’m not going to be vulnerable with
- We choose how much we’re going to give to people
- This is where we take our power back
- I anticipate I will feel grief and sadness
- When we start talking about things, it allows old feelings to surface
- If we allow the discomfort to come up, we get to feel it, and we heal it. It moves through us
- It’s ok to be a feeling person
- We don’t want dead guy goals of not feeling
- How do we lean into it and embrace it
- Can we just allow it—whatever comes up
- Do we go into a collapse mode?
- If you are getting messages about it not being ok how you’re showing up in the world
- Relationships are going to be more tenuous right now with COVID
- How can you empower yourself if someone isn’t meeting your needs?
- Being in relationship means there’s room for a back-and-forth to work on things
- It’s not going to be perfect
- How do we pace with others?
- If we want more engagement in relationships with others, we can be mindful of the pacing and match the energy of who we’re with
- Many relationships have shifted during COVID because some people are more available, and some people are less available
PODCAST HOST
Patricia is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, and Coach. She knows what it’s like to feel like an outcast, misfit, truthteller and black sheep. Learning about the trait of being a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), helped Patricia rewrite her history with a deeper understanding, appreciation and a sense of self-compassion. She created the podcast Unapologetically Sensitive to help other HSPs know that they aren’t alone, and that being an HSP has amazing gifts, and some challenges. Patricia works online globally working individually with people, and she teaches Online Courses for HSPs that focus on understanding what it means to be an HSP, self-care, self-compassion, boundaries, perfectionism, mindfulness, communication, and creating a lifestyle that honors us
LINKS
Brene Brown’s podcast Unlocking Us Anxiety, Calm over/under functioning--https://brenebrown.com/podcast/brene-on-anxiety-calm-over-under-functioning/
Brene Brown’s podcast Unlocking Us with Harriet Lerner I’m sorry. How to apologize and why it matters--https://brenebrown.com/podcast/harriet-lerner-and-brene-im-sorry-how-to-apologize-why-it-matters/
Bonus episode 43—I want more; you want less. How to navigate competing needs in relationships https://unapologeticallysensitive.com/bonus-episode-43/
HSP Online Course--https://unapologeticallysensitive.com/hsp-online-groups/
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Music-- Gravel Dance by Andy Robinson www.andyrobinson.com